Sex Matters

Know how your body works

The tabloids have had some fun with Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats, who has admitted
in the May issue of GQ magazine  that he has had sex with 30 or so women in his lifetime. His
exploits have earned him the  gleeful  nickname of 'Cleggover' since his interview with former Mirror
editor Piers Morgan was made public, ironically on 1 April.

How big a fool can a politician be? This was the moment for him to summon up the classic
'No comment' in answer to Morgan's probings. And, for sheer wit, the 'Cleggover' tag does not
stand up to comparison with The Sun's great heading when fellow Liberal Paddy Ashdown was
party leader and revealed to have had an affair with his secretary.

The Sun's front page headline trumpeted:  "Paddy Pantsdown".

Let's hope that, at least, Nick Clegg has used his sexual experiences to get to know his body.

All too often, psychosexual therapists find that men go to clinics with little understanding
of how their body works. Their whole focus  tends to rest on getting an erection. Many men
just don't realise that they can arouse their whole body, and therefore enjoy sex more.

When young, sex often comes easily to most men. With  testosterone flowing through their bodies
they find it simple and natural to get an erection. And they assume this will always be  the case.
Naturally, as men get older, their level of testosterone declines and then they need greater
knowledge of how the body works if they are to maintain fulfilling sex life.

The meaning of fulfilling or 'quality' sex is for a future issue.

All the best

Nick

What is sexually normal?

Psychologist Tanya Byron has just finished a BBC TV series  called
"What is normal?'  with a study of sexual (ab)normality. The last
programme appeared on BBC1 on 5 May.

She interviewed a number of people whose claim to fame was that
their habits were beyond our sexual ken. They included people who
enjoyed and defended sexual pastimes such as 'cottaging', 'dogging', 
rampant promiscuity, and total abstinence - and even paedophilia.

The paedophile's views challenged Dr Byron, as they would most people.
The worrying thing is that paedophiles are in total denial that they are
doing anything wrong by grooming and abusing children.

Dr Byron seemed to accept that other sexual practices were acceptable,
provided that the activity took place between consenting adults.

However, it is fair to say that the programme captured only a tiny segment
of the variety of sexual activities in the UK and the US. While Dr Byron
remained balanced and restrained in her interviews, the sexual
subject matter was hardly everyday!

It is plainly apparent – and obvious without seeing the programme –
that the sexual 'normality' of one man or woman may be anathema
to the next person. The point is that there is no norm, because each
individual has their own favourite sexual pleasure (or none).

The best way of achieving what we desire in sex (and in life) is through
open, ongoing and caring communication with your partner. That is
a normality which all too few of us achieve. As a result, we are much less
likely to achieve and maintain high-quality and fulfilling sex.

Transform your sex life and relationship with "Intelligent Sex".

Nick Keith

Getting sex in context

Many issues can affect sex. All the sensual aspects contribute to the process –
smell, touch, visual, taste, audio. In addition, you need context.

Good quality  sex usually requires the right context, which is often
disregarded. Couples may overcome the context in the early years
of their relationship – when potentially difficult and 'unsafe' circumstances
can provide an irresistible stimulus for sexual activity.

At other times, tiredness, lack of privacy, and self-identity have a major
impact on the calibre of sex. 

The context needs careful management. You can’t have good sex
if someone or something is tickling your feet, and plenty of ticklish
distractions can interfere with your sex life.

Case study
Take the real-life example of ‘Harry’, cool and outwardly healthy.
A part-time DJ and aspiring actor with masses of charm, he goes to
his local sexual health clinic suffering from erectile dysfunction.

In conversation with the therapist, Harry reveals that young
women take a shine to him at gigs and expect him to have sex
any time, anywhere – from shop doorways to the back of his car.
Harry, like many people, needs to have sex in secure places
where there is care, calm and attention.

This is what context is all about. For high quality sex, many people
need to have control of the situation and the pace – so that it is
safe for them to fail. This is harder today when women often
take the sexual initiative and expect the man to perform.

The solution for young men, and young women who are pressured
and pestered for sex, is to build confidence through safe relationships
– having sex in context, only where and when they choose.

Keep your mind on context and pressure.

Articles, advice and a guide to good sex are here

How sex works

Sex works in highly subtle and complex ways. The interaction of human hormonal,
nervous and cardio-vascular systems makes sex work effectively. The mechanics
seem simple but are far more complicated than erection and ejaculation for men;
or arousal and orgasm for women.

Like no other human activity, sex depends on all the pathways interacting;
nervous and neurological, hormonal and sensual, personal and psychological,
as well as relational and contextual.

As well as the physical, psychological and relational aspects of sex, we have to
take account of the distinct phases of sex. A debate about the phases of sex
was started by Kinsey in the Fifties, carried on by Masters & Johnston in their
1996 book Human Sexual Response, and taken up by Kaplan in the Seventies.

There four distinct phases of sex:

Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Resolution.

Desire involves attraction, interest and energy for sex.

Arousal means mental and physical excitement associated with increased
blood flow to the genitals in men and women.

Orgasm represents the involuntary release of sexual tension, usually
pleasurable, with a reflex contraction of the muscles.

Resolution is a return to a normal resting state.

Medications, such as anti-depressant drugs, have a profound effect on
sexual performance, and there are a significant number of people
on medication.

Because sex is more likely to be spontaneous and OK when you are
falling in love, you cannot assume that this will always be the case.

Now we come to context … but wait, the time and context are not yet right.

See you next time.

All the best

Nick

Maintaining high quality sex

Our busy modern lifestyle challenges us to achieve and
maintain satisfying  and high quality sex – particularly
for both partners in the relationship.

The belief that sex declines inevitably as you get older –
and your relationship extends – needs to be put firmly in
its place. It is a myth – a long-held belief based on your
own perceptions  and experience which is true for you
but not for others.

Understanding sex and your own sexuality, together with
an investment in time and discussion with your partner,
will help you to dispel myths. The alternative? The
perceived decline, or mismatch of expectations, will
become self-fulfilling if couples fail to discuss,
acknowledge and work on their different needs.

Your sexual activity and enjoyment can continue to
improve if you are informed about the nature of your
own sexuality and enjoy clear communication with
your partner. There is no substitute for talking.

You are certain to experience highs and lows in your
sex life. Maintaining high quality sex is a realistic and
achievable goal.

Most people can discover and enjoy better sex by
talking about it. But in many societies and cultural
groups talking about sex – what you like and what
you don’t like –is not the “done thing”.

Make sure, when you talk about sex to your partner,
you accentuate the positive. If you don’t like certain
activities, offer your partner alternatives.

For example, say, “I like it when you …”  or “I prefer
to be stroked firmly or massaged rather than being
tickled. [rather than “I don’t like when you…”]

By promoting what you like, you have a greater chance
of achieving a good match in your sexual relationship
rather than an ongoing mismatch. Like other aspects
of your relationship, the best sex comes from clear
and regular communication.

In future blogs we will talk about sexual mismatch
and myth in more detail. More on fulfilling sex later
this week or at our website.

Until then ….

Best wishes

Nick

The Nature of Sex

Sex is the least well-known or understood of all the human activities, although our understanding of it has improved in the last 50 years when it has become a subject for closer medical study.

For example, we are only just beginning to understand the structure of the clitoris; probably no other significant part of the human body has received so little research.

In February 2008, Italian scientist Emmanuele Jannini published new findings about the female G-spot. Indeed some women believe they may not even have a G-spot.

Jannini has used ultrasound in search of the G-Spot, and his initial findings were reported in the New Scientist. Here's the report
 

And the report includes further debate. The question of the sometimes elusive G-spot is still alive and kicking, and Jannini plans to undertake further research at the University of L’Aquila.

So our knowledge of the nature of sex remains incomplete. Compare our knowledge of sex with what we know about nutrition.

We know what we like to eat, but to stay healthy over a lifetime requires more profound knowledge. We need to be brought up to date with the research on the impact of food on the heart, on health, and on weight.

Sex operates within a complex system, so it is worth investing your time and effort to keep your sexual life on course, or put it back on the right track.

Our knowledge of sex tends to be shallow because we have not been shown how, or taken the time, to examine its true nature. In matters of sex, many of us are like know-it-all teenagers – we think we know everything there is to know.

When people get older they may realise that there are knowledge gaps, which can be filled only by experience. As far as sex is concerned we believe blithely that (in the words of the rock band Pink Floyd) ‘we don’t need no education’.

Love is ...?

What does love mean to you?

For me, love is a many-splendoured feeling embracing spirit, body and mind.

Immediately turning for help to my pocket dictionary I was disappointed to find that their prime definition
was linked to sexual desire – which, surely, is only part of the answer to this eternal question.

The definition in an online dictionary was more satisfying – putting first “affection from kinship and personal ties”,
with sexual attraction second, and “affection based on admiration… or common interests” third.
Here’s the online definition of love

I ask the question after reading an article last weekend about a new book called “Love and Sex with Robots:
The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships” by David Levy, an expert in chess and Artificial Intelligence.

The book concerns the advance of robot sex dolls, and this will bring a smile to face of some readers –
not least those who remember a brilliantly funny episode of “Only fools and horses” on BBC TV.

There is fascinating stuff about websites for robot dolls – Honey Dolls (Japan) and Real Doll (US).
And one of the positive points in favour of ‘sexbots’ is that they may help people who have trouble
forming a sexual relationship. Here's the article

Perhaps we all need to go and see the new film “Lars and the Real Girl” on this very topic.

But I digress. The question remains whether ‘love’ and ‘robots’ really belong together;  or
whether it is impossible for a human being to have a meaningful relationship, and therefore 'love'
in its fullest sense, with a robot (however sophisticated).

What do you feel? Where do your affections lie on this issue?

All the best

Nick

Fixing problems

The vast majority of sexual problems can be fixed, or the symptoms can be drastically reduced to start a healing process. This is clinically proven, says psychosexual therapist Simon Halford in his book  "Intelligent Sex: transform your sex life and your relationship" 

While some problems, such as those to do with libido, are harder to treat, all can be treated successfully to varying degrees.

Without the right level of information, you may find it difficult to get yourself in the right place for treatment. However, if problems can’t be solved or improved with the help of this book, you must seek help from professional therapists through your GP.

If you have pain, check with a gynaecologist whether there is a physical reason. Interestingly, if there is pain, you may find that psychosexual therapy improves your sex life despite the underlying physical reasons.

In some cases, medical treatment cannot solve the pain problem, but a therapist can help you with the psychological causes.

For example, if a man has low testosterone, part of the treatment is to give him a supplement, and that may be more effective if a psychosexual therapist supports the process.

The production of testosterone is not entirely physical, and there is evidence that masturbation helps the production of testosterone. You are less likely to masturbate if you are depressed - so psychology can play a part in the problem and its resolution.

People have reported that physical fitness brings a substantial improvement in their sexual performance. People who lose weight and get fit feels better about themselves and this may boost their sex life.

Not many people really like themselves if they are overweight. And there is a distinct correlation between physical and sexual well-being.

Identifying problems

Get your sex problem properly identified. False assumptions frequently mean that sexual problems are identified incorrectly or misunderstood.

And don’t rely on instinct and old wives’ tales. The causes are probably counter-intuitive, so it’s vital to listen to high quality systems of diagnosis rather than make assumptions.

For instance, a man with erection difficulty may convince himself that he has a physical problem; or a woman who suffers pain during intercourse may assume that the reason is purely physiological. In both cases men and women tend to resist an underlying psychological cause and reject a multi-faceted solution.

Part of the role of sexual psychotherapists, like me, is to help people to understand that sex problems may involve more than one sexual domain. Men with erectile dysfunction find it difficult to appreciate the full impact of psychological causes, such as performance anxiety. Even when they do see performance anxiety for what it is, they may find it difficult to move forward and shift it.

Women may discount the advice of a consultant gynaecologist or obstetrician or psychotherapist who suggests that the pain they feel is as much in their head as in their genitals. Of course their physical pain is real and needs to be validated, but psychological factors may also contribute and be crucial to finding solutions.

The psychological components of pain have to be explained in a supportive and understanding manner, without denying what the patient feels physically. Body and emotions are constantly interacting, and this fact is even more powerful in sexual activity.

One problem with pain is that we flinch in anticipation, a psychological side effect. Women may suffer from vaginismus, a muscular spasm caused by a signal from the brain. Such a spasm can be prompted by anticipation.

But, if a woman feels relaxed and in control of a situation, the spasm may be avoided or reduced. Part of the treatment for vaginismus ensures good context so that the sufferer relaxes and, if they experience a spasm, it is less pronounced.

In the next issue SexMatters will discuss how to deal with problems.

How sex works

Sex is a highly subtle interaction of the hormonal, nervous and cardio-vascular systems. The interaction of these complex systems makes sex work effectively in humans.

The mechanics seem simple but are far more complicated than erection and ejaculation for men; arousal and orgasm for women. You need to add the psychological and relational components to the sexual cocktail to the physical side of sex.

No other human activity is quite so dependent on all the pathways interacting; nervous and neurological, hormonal and sensual, personal and psychological, and relational.

They are all inextricably bound up. Some parts of the psychological are partly physical, such as the way endorphins work to stimulate us. And neurological triggers for our hormonal response interact with our psychology.

As well as the physical, psychological and relational aspects of sex, we have to take account of the phases of sex. A debate about the phases of sex was started by Kinsey in the Fifties, carried on by Masters & Johnston in their 1996 book “Human Sexual Response”, and taken up by Kaplan in the Seventies.

The four phases of sex

Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Resolution.

Desire involves attraction, interest and energy for sex.

Arousal means mental and physical excitement associated with increased blood flow to the genitals in men and women.

Orgasm represents the involuntary release of sexual tension, usually pleasurable, with a reflex contraction of the muscles.

Resolution is a return to a normal resting state.

All the sensual aspects contribute to the sexual process - smell, touch, visual, taste, audio. In addition, you need context.

Good, fulfilling sex usually requires the right context, which is often disregarded. In the early years of making love couples can overcome the context – and the more difficult the circumstances can provide an irresistible stimulus for sexual activity.

Later on in the relationship these will be a barrier rather than a trigger. At other times, tiredness, privacy, self-identity can have a major impact on the calibre of sex.

Because sex is usually spontaneous and OK when you are falling in love, you cannot assume that this will always be the case. You can’t have good sex if someone or something is tickling your feet, and plenty of ticklish distractions can interfere with your sex life.

Medications, such as anti-depressant drugs, also have a profound effect on sexual performance, and there are a significant number of people on such drugs.

See psychosexual therapist Simon Halford talk on video at intelligentsex.co.uk