Sex Matters

Getting sex in context

Many issues can affect sex. All the sensual aspects contribute to the process –
smell, touch, visual, taste, audio. In addition, you need context.

Good quality  sex usually requires the right context, which is often
disregarded. Couples may overcome the context in the early years
of their relationship – when potentially difficult and 'unsafe' circumstances
can provide an irresistible stimulus for sexual activity.

At other times, tiredness, lack of privacy, and self-identity have a major
impact on the calibre of sex. 

The context needs careful management. You can’t have good sex
if someone or something is tickling your feet, and plenty of ticklish
distractions can interfere with your sex life.

Case study
Take the real-life example of ‘Harry’, cool and outwardly healthy.
A part-time DJ and aspiring actor with masses of charm, he goes to
his local sexual health clinic suffering from erectile dysfunction.

In conversation with the therapist, Harry reveals that young
women take a shine to him at gigs and expect him to have sex
any time, anywhere – from shop doorways to the back of his car.
Harry, like many people, needs to have sex in secure places
where there is care, calm and attention.

This is what context is all about. For high quality sex, many people
need to have control of the situation and the pace – so that it is
safe for them to fail. This is harder today when women often
take the sexual initiative and expect the man to perform.

The solution for young men, and young women who are pressured
and pestered for sex, is to build confidence through safe relationships
– having sex in context, only where and when they choose.

Keep your mind on context and pressure.

Articles, advice and a guide to good sex are here

How sex works

Sex works in highly subtle and complex ways. The interaction of human hormonal,
nervous and cardio-vascular systems makes sex work effectively. The mechanics
seem simple but are far more complicated than erection and ejaculation for men;
or arousal and orgasm for women.

Like no other human activity, sex depends on all the pathways interacting;
nervous and neurological, hormonal and sensual, personal and psychological,
as well as relational and contextual.

As well as the physical, psychological and relational aspects of sex, we have to
take account of the distinct phases of sex. A debate about the phases of sex
was started by Kinsey in the Fifties, carried on by Masters & Johnston in their
1996 book Human Sexual Response, and taken up by Kaplan in the Seventies.

There four distinct phases of sex:

Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Resolution.

Desire involves attraction, interest and energy for sex.

Arousal means mental and physical excitement associated with increased
blood flow to the genitals in men and women.

Orgasm represents the involuntary release of sexual tension, usually
pleasurable, with a reflex contraction of the muscles.

Resolution is a return to a normal resting state.

Medications, such as anti-depressant drugs, have a profound effect on
sexual performance, and there are a significant number of people
on medication.

Because sex is more likely to be spontaneous and OK when you are
falling in love, you cannot assume that this will always be the case.

Now we come to context … but wait, the time and context are not yet right.

See you next time.

All the best

Nick

Maintaining high quality sex

Our busy modern lifestyle challenges us to achieve and
maintain satisfying  and high quality sex – particularly
for both partners in the relationship.

The belief that sex declines inevitably as you get older –
and your relationship extends – needs to be put firmly in
its place. It is a myth – a long-held belief based on your
own perceptions  and experience which is true for you
but not for others.

Understanding sex and your own sexuality, together with
an investment in time and discussion with your partner,
will help you to dispel myths. The alternative? The
perceived decline, or mismatch of expectations, will
become self-fulfilling if couples fail to discuss,
acknowledge and work on their different needs.

Your sexual activity and enjoyment can continue to
improve if you are informed about the nature of your
own sexuality and enjoy clear communication with
your partner. There is no substitute for talking.

You are certain to experience highs and lows in your
sex life. Maintaining high quality sex is a realistic and
achievable goal.

Most people can discover and enjoy better sex by
talking about it. But in many societies and cultural
groups talking about sex – what you like and what
you don’t like –is not the “done thing”.

Make sure, when you talk about sex to your partner,
you accentuate the positive. If you don’t like certain
activities, offer your partner alternatives.

For example, say, “I like it when you …”  or “I prefer
to be stroked firmly or massaged rather than being
tickled. [rather than “I don’t like when you…”]

By promoting what you like, you have a greater chance
of achieving a good match in your sexual relationship
rather than an ongoing mismatch. Like other aspects
of your relationship, the best sex comes from clear
and regular communication.

In future blogs we will talk about sexual mismatch
and myth in more detail. More on fulfilling sex later
this week or at our website.

Until then ….

Best wishes

Nick

The Nature of Sex

Sex is the least well-known or understood of all the human activities, although our understanding of it has improved in the last 50 years when it has become a subject for closer medical study.

For example, we are only just beginning to understand the structure of the clitoris; probably no other significant part of the human body has received so little research.

In February 2008, Italian scientist Emmanuele Jannini published new findings about the female G-spot. Indeed some women believe they may not even have a G-spot.

Jannini has used ultrasound in search of the G-Spot, and his initial findings were reported in the New Scientist. Here's the report
 

And the report includes further debate. The question of the sometimes elusive G-spot is still alive and kicking, and Jannini plans to undertake further research at the University of L’Aquila.

So our knowledge of the nature of sex remains incomplete. Compare our knowledge of sex with what we know about nutrition.

We know what we like to eat, but to stay healthy over a lifetime requires more profound knowledge. We need to be brought up to date with the research on the impact of food on the heart, on health, and on weight.

Sex operates within a complex system, so it is worth investing your time and effort to keep your sexual life on course, or put it back on the right track.

Our knowledge of sex tends to be shallow because we have not been shown how, or taken the time, to examine its true nature. In matters of sex, many of us are like know-it-all teenagers – we think we know everything there is to know.

When people get older they may realise that there are knowledge gaps, which can be filled only by experience. As far as sex is concerned we believe blithely that (in the words of the rock band Pink Floyd) ‘we don’t need no education’.

Love is ...?

What does love mean to you?

For me, love is a many-splendoured feeling embracing spirit, body and mind.

Immediately turning for help to my pocket dictionary I was disappointed to find that their prime definition
was linked to sexual desire – which, surely, is only part of the answer to this eternal question.

The definition in an online dictionary was more satisfying – putting first “affection from kinship and personal ties”,
with sexual attraction second, and “affection based on admiration… or common interests” third.
Here’s the online definition of love

I ask the question after reading an article last weekend about a new book called “Love and Sex with Robots:
The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships” by David Levy, an expert in chess and Artificial Intelligence.

The book concerns the advance of robot sex dolls, and this will bring a smile to face of some readers –
not least those who remember a brilliantly funny episode of “Only fools and horses” on BBC TV.

There is fascinating stuff about websites for robot dolls – Honey Dolls (Japan) and Real Doll (US).
And one of the positive points in favour of ‘sexbots’ is that they may help people who have trouble
forming a sexual relationship. Here's the article

Perhaps we all need to go and see the new film “Lars and the Real Girl” on this very topic.

But I digress. The question remains whether ‘love’ and ‘robots’ really belong together;  or
whether it is impossible for a human being to have a meaningful relationship, and therefore 'love'
in its fullest sense, with a robot (however sophisticated).

What do you feel? Where do your affections lie on this issue?

All the best

Nick

Fixing problems

The vast majority of sexual problems can be fixed, or the symptoms can be drastically reduced to start a healing process. This is clinically proven, says psychosexual therapist Simon Halford in his book  "Intelligent Sex: transform your sex life and your relationship" 

While some problems, such as those to do with libido, are harder to treat, all can be treated successfully to varying degrees.

Without the right level of information, you may find it difficult to get yourself in the right place for treatment. However, if problems can’t be solved or improved with the help of this book, you must seek help from professional therapists through your GP.

If you have pain, check with a gynaecologist whether there is a physical reason. Interestingly, if there is pain, you may find that psychosexual therapy improves your sex life despite the underlying physical reasons.

In some cases, medical treatment cannot solve the pain problem, but a therapist can help you with the psychological causes.

For example, if a man has low testosterone, part of the treatment is to give him a supplement, and that may be more effective if a psychosexual therapist supports the process.

The production of testosterone is not entirely physical, and there is evidence that masturbation helps the production of testosterone. You are less likely to masturbate if you are depressed - so psychology can play a part in the problem and its resolution.

People have reported that physical fitness brings a substantial improvement in their sexual performance. People who lose weight and get fit feels better about themselves and this may boost their sex life.

Not many people really like themselves if they are overweight. And there is a distinct correlation between physical and sexual well-being.