Sex Matters

Know how your body works

The tabloids have had some fun with Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats, who has admitted
in the May issue of GQ magazine  that he has had sex with 30 or so women in his lifetime. His
exploits have earned him the  gleeful  nickname of 'Cleggover' since his interview with former Mirror
editor Piers Morgan was made public, ironically on 1 April.

How big a fool can a politician be? This was the moment for him to summon up the classic
'No comment' in answer to Morgan's probings. And, for sheer wit, the 'Cleggover' tag does not
stand up to comparison with The Sun's great heading when fellow Liberal Paddy Ashdown was
party leader and revealed to have had an affair with his secretary.

The Sun's front page headline trumpeted:  "Paddy Pantsdown".

Let's hope that, at least, Nick Clegg has used his sexual experiences to get to know his body.

All too often, psychosexual therapists find that men go to clinics with little understanding
of how their body works. Their whole focus  tends to rest on getting an erection. Many men
just don't realise that they can arouse their whole body, and therefore enjoy sex more.

When young, sex often comes easily to most men. With  testosterone flowing through their bodies
they find it simple and natural to get an erection. And they assume this will always be  the case.
Naturally, as men get older, their level of testosterone declines and then they need greater
knowledge of how the body works if they are to maintain fulfilling sex life.

The meaning of fulfilling or 'quality' sex is for a future issue.

All the best

Nick

How sex works

Sex works in highly subtle and complex ways. The interaction of human hormonal,
nervous and cardio-vascular systems makes sex work effectively. The mechanics
seem simple but are far more complicated than erection and ejaculation for men;
or arousal and orgasm for women.

Like no other human activity, sex depends on all the pathways interacting;
nervous and neurological, hormonal and sensual, personal and psychological,
as well as relational and contextual.

As well as the physical, psychological and relational aspects of sex, we have to
take account of the distinct phases of sex. A debate about the phases of sex
was started by Kinsey in the Fifties, carried on by Masters & Johnston in their
1996 book Human Sexual Response, and taken up by Kaplan in the Seventies.

There four distinct phases of sex:

Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Resolution.

Desire involves attraction, interest and energy for sex.

Arousal means mental and physical excitement associated with increased
blood flow to the genitals in men and women.

Orgasm represents the involuntary release of sexual tension, usually
pleasurable, with a reflex contraction of the muscles.

Resolution is a return to a normal resting state.

Medications, such as anti-depressant drugs, have a profound effect on
sexual performance, and there are a significant number of people
on medication.

Because sex is more likely to be spontaneous and OK when you are
falling in love, you cannot assume that this will always be the case.

Now we come to context … but wait, the time and context are not yet right.

See you next time.

All the best

Nick

Maintaining high quality sex

Our busy modern lifestyle challenges us to achieve and
maintain satisfying  and high quality sex – particularly
for both partners in the relationship.

The belief that sex declines inevitably as you get older –
and your relationship extends – needs to be put firmly in
its place. It is a myth – a long-held belief based on your
own perceptions  and experience which is true for you
but not for others.

Understanding sex and your own sexuality, together with
an investment in time and discussion with your partner,
will help you to dispel myths. The alternative? The
perceived decline, or mismatch of expectations, will
become self-fulfilling if couples fail to discuss,
acknowledge and work on their different needs.

Your sexual activity and enjoyment can continue to
improve if you are informed about the nature of your
own sexuality and enjoy clear communication with
your partner. There is no substitute for talking.

You are certain to experience highs and lows in your
sex life. Maintaining high quality sex is a realistic and
achievable goal.

Most people can discover and enjoy better sex by
talking about it. But in many societies and cultural
groups talking about sex – what you like and what
you don’t like –is not the “done thing”.

Make sure, when you talk about sex to your partner,
you accentuate the positive. If you don’t like certain
activities, offer your partner alternatives.

For example, say, “I like it when you …”  or “I prefer
to be stroked firmly or massaged rather than being
tickled. [rather than “I don’t like when you…”]

By promoting what you like, you have a greater chance
of achieving a good match in your sexual relationship
rather than an ongoing mismatch. Like other aspects
of your relationship, the best sex comes from clear
and regular communication.

In future blogs we will talk about sexual mismatch
and myth in more detail. More on fulfilling sex later
this week or at our website.

Until then ….

Best wishes

Nick

Love is ...?

What does love mean to you?

For me, love is a many-splendoured feeling embracing spirit, body and mind.

Immediately turning for help to my pocket dictionary I was disappointed to find that their prime definition
was linked to sexual desire – which, surely, is only part of the answer to this eternal question.

The definition in an online dictionary was more satisfying – putting first “affection from kinship and personal ties”,
with sexual attraction second, and “affection based on admiration… or common interests” third.
Here’s the online definition of love

I ask the question after reading an article last weekend about a new book called “Love and Sex with Robots:
The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships” by David Levy, an expert in chess and Artificial Intelligence.

The book concerns the advance of robot sex dolls, and this will bring a smile to face of some readers –
not least those who remember a brilliantly funny episode of “Only fools and horses” on BBC TV.

There is fascinating stuff about websites for robot dolls – Honey Dolls (Japan) and Real Doll (US).
And one of the positive points in favour of ‘sexbots’ is that they may help people who have trouble
forming a sexual relationship. Here's the article

Perhaps we all need to go and see the new film “Lars and the Real Girl” on this very topic.

But I digress. The question remains whether ‘love’ and ‘robots’ really belong together;  or
whether it is impossible for a human being to have a meaningful relationship, and therefore 'love'
in its fullest sense, with a robot (however sophisticated).

What do you feel? Where do your affections lie on this issue?

All the best

Nick

Fixing problems

The vast majority of sexual problems can be fixed, or the symptoms can be drastically reduced to start a healing process. This is clinically proven, says psychosexual therapist Simon Halford in his book  "Intelligent Sex: transform your sex life and your relationship" 

While some problems, such as those to do with libido, are harder to treat, all can be treated successfully to varying degrees.

Without the right level of information, you may find it difficult to get yourself in the right place for treatment. However, if problems can’t be solved or improved with the help of this book, you must seek help from professional therapists through your GP.

If you have pain, check with a gynaecologist whether there is a physical reason. Interestingly, if there is pain, you may find that psychosexual therapy improves your sex life despite the underlying physical reasons.

In some cases, medical treatment cannot solve the pain problem, but a therapist can help you with the psychological causes.

For example, if a man has low testosterone, part of the treatment is to give him a supplement, and that may be more effective if a psychosexual therapist supports the process.

The production of testosterone is not entirely physical, and there is evidence that masturbation helps the production of testosterone. You are less likely to masturbate if you are depressed - so psychology can play a part in the problem and its resolution.

People have reported that physical fitness brings a substantial improvement in their sexual performance. People who lose weight and get fit feels better about themselves and this may boost their sex life.

Not many people really like themselves if they are overweight. And there is a distinct correlation between physical and sexual well-being.

Enjoy fulfilling sex

A fulfilling sex life has a powerful impact on our self-esteem, our well-being and our relationships.

Often viewed as a purely physical activity, sex is profoundly psychological and relational as well as physical.

These elements interact in a subtle and complex way, and SexMatters will return to them again and again in this blog.

We all grapple with varying degrees of problems in our relationships and our sexual world at some time.

And overcoming sexual problems is not just a challenge for a few people with specific difficulties which the rest of us can ignore.

People tend to give sex a low priority – they even trivialise it. They don’t rate their sexuality as a fundamental contributor to their overall health, wealth and happiness.

While most of us want to improve other aspects of our lives, such as career or relationships,
looks or fitness, knowledge or capability, we tend to think differently about our sex lives.

Often sex is labelled ‘good’, ‘bad’, or ‘indifferent’. These descriptions are taken as a given and inevitable.

Many derive their view of sex from the time they fall in love – a dramatic event which encourages a view of sex as being spontaneous, powerful and straightforward (in every sense of the word!).
Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to sustain the level of our first sexual experiences.

How many of us seek ways of making sex more rewarding and enriching, as our partnerships mature?
How often do we allow passive endurance to take the place of passionate and pleasurable fulfilment?

While you may think you may know about your sex life, ask yourself about your level of information. When sex starts to lose its lustre, you may lack the underlying framework of knowledge to enable you to fix sexual problems.

The beauty of truly healthy and fulfilling sex is that you can often make it even better if you are fully informed.
Frankly, you are never too old to learn new tricks about sex.

Do you take your sexual state for granted, rather than something to work on?
Do you discuss what works, or doesn’t work?

For more information now, go to the intelligent sex website

All the best

Nick

Why sex matters

Where to start "Sexmatters"?

Yes, sex does matter. A better sex life will transform your relationship.
And few relationships prosper when sex no longer matters.

This is confirmed through experience, conversations, and researching for
a book called "Intelligent Sex". This book was based on the clinical findings
from more than five years of Simon Halford, a psycho-sexual therapist,
who works in a team of medics and therapists at a leading British hospital.

We have found that sex (in the broadest sense) matters to people of all ages.

Case studies of various clients revealed how ignorant most people are about
what fulfilling sex means and how best to achieve it. There is a crying
need for more information and discussion to  help  a great many people achieve
more from their sex lives. That doesn't necessarily mean more sex.

The  simplest way to  achieve better  sex is by  having regular communication
with your partner about what you want, and what turns you on ... and off.

And we can all help each other. Your views matter to this blog as much
as your relationships and your sex lives.

For more information now, go to the intelligent sex website

All the best

Nick